Inez's Diary

Make a peace with yourself

People say, losing someone is the hardest thing, the death of someone close to you. To this day, I had my fair share of lost. Left by the loved ones, friends and family. And the ultimate loss is my Dad.

I came to realize that I will lose my Dad, weeks before he passed away. On the day he’s gone, I’ve already made my peace with lost. Though at some point, that moment are unbearable, but the excruciating part happens weeks earlier. I still cry my self out, alone, hiding from others in a dark room at the house the moment he’s gone, though. But from that day to the day he passed, the pain was… I feel like I’m in the edge of blowing up into thousands of pieces.

That day,

I stayed overnight at the hospital. It was Friday, I think. I spend my nights, forcing my self to close my eyes. Pretending not to hear Daddy’s calls, asking for this and that to Mom. I can hear everything clearly, but I just can’t get up and face that. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears, and would cry like a baby. That was selfish of me, I know. I just… If Dad didn’t see me cry, perhaps he’ll believe that I’ll be okay for what comes next. That I’ll be strong.

Early in the morning before I went home, Mom asked to do one thing. And I, too, think that — that is necessary.

So, I was ready to go home. I came to my Dad on his bed. He was very thin, he lost 25kg during his last years. There are spots everywhere on his hand, caused by his IV. He can’t eat. A liquid nutrition sent using infusion for him. There are 3 or 4 kind of hose connected to him, medicine, blood, and the nutrition liquid. His liver is barely functioning. Then, I put up my courage. I’ve been thinking how to say this since last night. But the way I said it was waay different than what I imagine to be.

I said, “Dad. Are you waiting for me… (to get married)?”

He smiles.

Then I said, “I’ll be fine. You don’t have to wait up for me.” I can feel tears filing up my eyes.

He nod.

I said, “I’ll be okay, Dad. Just, get better. Okay?”

He nod again.

I held his hand then squeeze it. I stroke his silver hair a little.

I said one last sentence, “I’m going home, now. See you at home, soon. Okay?”

He smiles.

I tried to be cool. Putting myself together to say goodbye to my Mom then out of the room. I hold my tears the best I can during my ride home, I failed miserably. I break down to cry and scream into a pillow at home.

The pain that day was more excruciating than the day my Dad pass away.

“I’ll be fine. You don’t have to wait up for me.” This is the biggest lie, ever. How could I be fine? Which daugther doesn’t want Dad walking her down the aisle?

That day, I came to realize that I wouldn’t had him, that we are counting the day he’ll be gone. It’s not that I don’t believe in miracle, or that I wanted him gone. It just… a feeling.

I tried to make up and catch up on the time we have left. When all feels unbearable, I had to put a distance, to pull my shit together. Otherwise, I’ll breakdown and cry, then he’ll be worried, and I don’t want that. It happen from time to time until he passed away.

I remember, he was lurking around, watching me from the little space of an open door during my shitty year. I was so pissed that sometimes I close the door. It feels like he’s jugding me, but actully he was just worried. I realize that after he’s gone and I regret that to this day. I also remember during his last days when he refuse to close the door. He said he wants to watch us in the living room from his bedroom. Oh, dad…

Okay, that is just brutal. All I have left is just a ‘what if’ scenario, which is literally bullshit because Dad is not here anymore. Shit, right?

I don’t want tell all of you what to do. All I know is that shitty feeling I felt because I didn’t say what I want, because I didn’t do what I should. One thing that I haven’t said clearly, and that is, “Aku sayang bapak, sampai ketemu lagi nanti di surga. You always be missed.” with one last hug.

Now, 5 years has passed. I still have those regrets, but I finally can stop feeling shitty. I came to terms that I’ve done my best, whatever that is. I don’t know how long it takes for me to finally feel this way, at peace, I guess the feeling has come and gone and come and so on. I know that now, most of the time, everything is just easier. I still miss him from time to time, and it felt good. Good, like I don’t feel that much lost and pain anymore. Remembering isn’t associated with pain or the ugly feeling of lost anymore. Remembering is something sweet and warm and comforting.

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