Since the past two years, there is a new habit that i did on each morning of my birthday. I’m visiting my dad’s final resting place. And this year would be the third one i did that. Sadly its been raining all week. I visit dad a few days before my birthday this year when the weather is a little sunny.
The thought of doing this thing comes to mind on the first birthday without him. I actually rarely talk to my dad. I mean, i tell my mother almost everything but with dad…its like he just knew it. I don’t have the need to tell him but somehow i feel he understand me. So, that day, the first birthday without him…i asked mom if i can visit him. And there i was, on my knees beside his resting place, praying and telling how it is the past year without him around as if he was there with me.
They say time will get it easier, well i beg to differ. It never easy, i don’t think ever will. It is changing tho. The pain’s still there. But its different. Once it was cold and lonely, now its a little heart-warming and brighter. All the memories finally sink in. I could smile whenever i remember, i am proud to tell. There is no bitter or sadness in it, yet the reality of never ever seeing him again is always there and that is the thing that makes it never easy.
Contemplating years i had is always the part that make birthday is hardly a celebration for me. Without dad around its…well…that is all in my mind these past 3 years. Thinking about moments that i could’ve been share with him, the hard time when i wish he could console me, spending our time together fixing the TV, or the times when mom burnt the pan and you scrape it to clean it off. You know…that kind of simple moment. So, at my birthday i kinda want to talk to him.
Perhaps, when i visit you again next year i can bring someone dear to me. Someone that i really wish you’ve meet. So that you can see how happy i am, how he made me happy. Someone that can make you feel safe for giving me away to him. You know, i really wish that you can see through the man i am with, so i can be sure that everything will be all right. I need you to convince me that i’ll be all right, that he is right for me.
Dad, we all trying to cope without you. Turn out, life is just…yeah, being life. I’m off a job and big brother too. We’re doing the best we can. Don’t worry, we’ll be all right i guess. Mom is…i think she’s struggling without you and we’re..i mean the kids…we’re trying our best to keep her accompany and comforting her the way we know how. I hope she had a long-healthy-happy live with the rest of us. You know…like…growing old along with my children knowing her too. Since you’re not here, i really wish my children get to know her like i do. Thank you dad for being our dad, bring such a great woman we called mother into our life.
Yeah, i know all of that is just mere wish, talking to you. That it can never be real. Well, perhaps you could now it somehow just like when you’re here.
So, see you again dad. And happy birthday to me.
Oct 26, 2016.