Living like a zombie, lost in thought, can’t quite grasp reality. I feel like shade, going through my life unknowingly. A dull sense at everything. Maybe that is my way of grieving. Some people cries at the moments of chaos, i just stood there holding myself together. Trying not to break, putting logic to my feelings that “this is not the time”. i swallowed every pain, letting those tears falls only when this eyes too sore to hold it, only when reality suffocate my lungs. i have to be strong, i have to be brave for Mom.
People said it’ll get easier with time, but it didn’t felt that way. Each day, reality pushed and keep reminding me that Dad’s gone and i keep saying “its ok, i’ll be fine.” I don’t know for how long i can be fine, and i don’t know if i can keep my self away from my “destructive mode.” All i do now, is taking chances to have a better life by carrying Mom with me. She’s not a burden, never will.
Sometimes i lost my self in the moment while my brains plays memories of Dad’s and his last moment in life. His last two days is still a blur for me. I can’t remember precisely what happen before after something. I remember he asked me to hold him, I remember he asked for drinks, I remember he asked not to close the door, I remember sing “shalawat” until he falls asleep. The last thing i did was, putting a pillow under his feet.
Then, Mom panicked saying Dad’s gone and holding him. I see my oldest brother checking his pulse, his breath, he said that Dad’s still alive then i checked his pulse, nothing. I watched his face grows pale, his hands and feel getting cold. About 10.03 it is declared that Dad’s really gone, it felt like someone strangled me. I can’t breathe. The last thing I said before he was enclosed with “kafan” were “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Allah, help Dad”
Aside from his mistakes and everything he’s done, he is my dad. The last time he picked me up is when i’m home after signing a contract with that television company. After that, he was hardly can walk. That night, we were sitting on the side of the road comforting me and encourage me. I remember what he said, “Dimanapun kamu kerja dan apapun kerjaannya, syukuri, jalani, jadilah yang terbaik. Orang akan melihat bukti, nggak perlu banyak bertingkah, nggak perlu banyak bicara. Bapak yakin anak-anak bapak bisa sukses. Pesen bapak cuma itu.”
well, i think i have to stop writing. its suffocating and my eyes sore…
I Love you Dad, rest in peace now…