Inez's Diary

letting go

mungkin terdengar aneh dan konyol tapi… i have father and daughter conversation with my dad on the side of the road on the evening.
hari itu baru pulang dari jakarta. my head was pounding and everytime i close my eyes i feel sick to my stomach. i got problem… a heavy one.

finally i got a job offering at my dream-company, a broadcast company. agak2 shock, kaget dan stunned dengan offering-nya. it should be easy but its not. Bedil bilang “ini bukan hanya memilih pekerjaan tapi juga pilihan hidup” mengingat 5 tahun kedepan saya akan stuck di company ini ga bisa kemana2. long working hours, deadline, high pressure and small payment. i’m willing to take that risks, let go of my not-so-luxury life that i’ve been walk. inget kata2 daddy, “dimanapun kamu kerja, pastikan kamu lakukan yg terbaik dan berprestasi di sana. ga usah muluk jadi yang terbaik diantara semua yg penting kamu all out. perih dulu lah awal2 kerja, toh orang bakal melihat dan menghargai kerjaan kamu.”
malam itu daddy bilang, “dad ga mau menentukan pilihan untuk anak2. dad pengen kalian menentukan sendiri, dad pengen kalian puas. sesuatu yg dilakukan atas pilihan sendiri akan lebih kuat, ketika berhasil kamu akan sangat2 puas, dad pengen anak2 dad merasakan itu dan kalaupun gagal itu pelajaran yg ga akan pernah kamu lupakan.”

masalah yg bikin ragu bukan dari saya tapi orang2 sekitar saya and obviously not my dad. dad support banget…oh i love my dad. Mom sepertinya masih 70% rela melepas saya mengembara ke ibukota. antara ga yakin saya bisa survive atau kasian sama saya. diliat dari omongannya Mom lebih pengen saya s2 daripada kerja di tivi itu, tp apa daya Mom…I can’t afford s2. beberapa orang juga sepertinya meragukan saya bisa survive atau ngga. dear God, i already expect the worst of my job, why can’t people just say something positive about it to encourage me? omongan2 negatif itu memunculkan doubt di diri saya and i don’t need that!!!

yg lain adalah masalah lovelife… i just got intense with someone, trying to open myself after that awful-future crushed-ended before it start-relationship about a year ago. always, selalu seperti ini. ini adalah orang k3 dengan kejadian begini. first is A in 2006 and B in 2010 and now him. dengan kedatangan mereka di hidup saya membuat saya “plan my life” but then the plan got screw and shattered (including my future) because i faced a big life event. 2006 was entering university, 2010 i was graduating and now i’m working. why can’t i just have both… the dream i chased and the man who stays in it?
mungkin ada baiknya selama ini saya menahan diri karena kalau kali ini gagal lagi, it wont felt hurt as it was before. nyaris…bener2 nyaris saya akan menyerahkan “hati” saya sampai terlihat ada ragu pada dia waktu saya bilang saya akan stay di jakarta selama 5 tahun kedepan. the heart that was opened in my hand to give to him…now bleed. my hands closed further away from him so i can hold it again on my own. protecting it from ever being hurt and shattered again.
i want “us” to work out, i believe we can but seeing you hesitate and afraid… how can i hold on to that?

i’m sorry this is happening, i never want to, never intend to….
before you leave me let me turn around. it is painful to let you go and i don’t need to feel more pain by seeing you fade away…

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