Inez's Diary

let me introduce

I know a person who’s been afraid all the time, not a phobia things but people in psychology called it anxiety. Yep the unrealistic fear. Ga sampe masuk generalized anxiety disorder sih (istilah GAD masih dipake g y?) tapi cukup menganggu stabilitas relasi dan kehidupan si subjek dengan lingkungannya.

Basically she’s afraid of being rejected (aren’t we all are?) so she push herself to her limit to be seen as capable, reliable, nice and a whole lot more. Ga mau terlihat jelek di depan orang. Dia selalu bilang, “kenapa orang ga percaya dengan keadaan gw yg sebenarnya” the answer is simple, “you’re trying so hard to cover it, how can people know exactly the way you feel, what’s the real condition if you’re doing the best you can (‘till you suffer and u know it).”

I’m not a hater or an apathetic person, but I know my limit when it comes to helping other. Let me ask you (reader) a question. “Apakah orang yang suka menolong orang lain dikatakan orang baik, ketika keluarganya sendiri merasa dirugikan dengan aksi pertolongannya?” bukan sebatas rugi materi sih, tapi lebih ke apa ya… si keluarga tau betapa menderitanya dia memenuhi keinginannya untuk terlihat sebagai good person dgn kamuflase kasihan sehingga menolong sementara she barely had enough for her self and family,

For me that’s a stupid thing, especially when she can’t be told that what’s her doing is not completely righteous. It hurt me seeing her like that. Caught between fear of being seen as a bad person and her limitation to help other, plus she had a tendency of having unrealistic fear of being rejected, that people can’t accept her because of her limitation, that she’s not done enough to make people accept herself. I love her, I cared about her, but when it comes to that kind of problem, I’m sick of her. Sometimes I sick of my self being not able to make her understand that the way she thought of things is unrealistic, insane. I believe she tired chasing acceptance, I’m sure she felt that her family not supporting (because sometimes we’re not helping her).

The thing is, we’re not help with hopes that she could learn but apparently she got to learn the hard way. Keep doing it Mom, don’t you ever think we didn’t care or we didn’t hurt seeing you like this. We want you to stop; I want you to just QUIT IT!! I’m sure you already earn enough respect and acceptance from others; you don’t have to prove anything anymore. You’ve been accepted, you are a good person. Please just stop. Yep…let me introduce you all to my beloved mother….


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